9 Things to Do If Your Wife Is Cheating

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Ask yourself why you want to confront your spouse: Is it because you want answers or because you just want to vent your frustrations? } }, { type: HowToStep, position: 6, itemListElement: { type: HowToDirection, position: 1, text: Avoid clingy behavior. Before taking any action, think back to why you cheated, Jane Greer, Ph.

And then you can start talking to each other. Take a minute to rationally think through your next steps. You may get a temporary sense of satisfaction from these sorts of actions, but ultimately they can work against you, keeping you in a state of anger instead of focusing on healing and moving on, alone or together. You would want to know the truth as soon as possible.

What Not to Do When Your Partner Cheats

We've all read articles about how heartbreaking it is if a partner cheats, and why you should never do it, and why no one should ever even think about it. But on a more practical tack. In a perfect world, no one would do such a thing, and we'd all be happy and healthy and full of love and light and miracles. But unfortunatelyand if it happens to you, you're : What can you do right now. Cheating and it's consequences are one of the most devastating moments in a relationship, and psychic medium Melinda Carver tells Bustle. But you don't have to remain in that place of feeling like a victim. I spoke with 15 relationship experts to explore the possibilities. Basically, it's not a cut-and-dried situation: Ifand you're committed to the relationship, you might not necessarily want to just get up and leave. And it might be a deeper and more intricate situation than that, anyway. If you want to consider all of your options and think about what to do next, here are 15 possible things you can do if you. And keep in mind that you don't have to make any serious decisions just yet — if you found out recently, you can give it some time and let things unfold before you make a concrete choice about. Stay calm and call a trusted friend to give you support, Dr. Given the circumstances of your relationship, you may need to respond in a thoughtful manner. Reaching out to a best friend is the most helpful thing you can do first. And then you can consider what to do next. If you are married or there are kids involved, seeking professional help for yourself first will help you build the support team necessary to deal with a confrontation and to ask for what you want, Rhodes says. Too many people act out what to do after your spouse cheats impulsivity and anger often leading to more consequences down the road. Do not post comments on social media like celebrities — all of this can be used against you in your breakup or divorce. Be direct about what evidence you found of their cheating. Don't try to dance around the thing — just come and and tell them what you know. You will also need to know that the affair will be stopped and that your questions will be answered, she says. I also recommend not telling anyone — yet. When people first find out they have been cheated on, they want to tell everyone in their family and friends circle. This can potentially backfire if you decide to stay together and work on your relationship. Be direct with your partner and choosy with the people you talk to — at least at first. Have An Honest Look At The Relationship Cheating in a relationship requires an honest assessment of the relationship in order to figure out a next move, New York—based and author April Masini tells Bustle. That may be true, but if you are with someone new and you discussed being monogamous and you find out they're seeing other people, it's probably best to walk away. From there, you can decide what to do next. Although I feel cheating can be rectified and strengthen a marriage, I would insist, and I mean insist, on six months of individual and couple therapy for both people, Michele Paiva tells Bustle. Though the disrespect is real, it's possible to come back from it if real work is done within the relationship. Most couples in betrayal are there because of a lack of communication, respect, or attention, Paiva says. Both people contribute to that and the affair is a result of that fracture. Although your partner cheating on you is never your fault, cheating may be a symptom of a greater problem. You need to own your part as much as they need to own their part, she says. From there, healing can happen. Understand That It's Not About You It can scar you emotionally for a very long time and interfere with future relationships, Noah Van Hochman tells Bustle. You have a very big decision to make. The person cheating make a conscious decision to do this. They could have told you that things are not going well in the relationship and made it clear that continuing it may not be the best thing. Since your partner didn't do this first, it's up to you what you decide to do. Van Hochman believes that if your partner was really in it for the long run, they wouldn't cheat in the first place. If you are a forgiving soul, you may consider finding out what caused the aberration in behavior and if there was a significant reason for a severe lapse in judgement or if it is habitual, he says. But that's completely up to you. If you feel as though it's worth working it out, go for it — but be sure you do so only because you want to and you feel as though it was a temporary blip. Leaving is a strong, optional choice — but is dependent upon so many factors, Daniel Amis, author oftells Bustle. If the couple is married, what may have caused the cheating, if they have children, and many others. Though it may not be a straightforward thing, if you can talk it out, you might benefit from the conversation. There may be something that you can learn from, that will allow you to become wiser should you get in another relationship — or even stay in that one, he says. If the cheater acted on impulse, was just caught up in the moment, acted on their attraction to someone else, etc. Because the thing about cheating is you have a choice. No one falls into bed with another person. So if they made the choice to cheat, then they should also accept the consequences. If you decide to stay, consider Paiva's suggestion of couple's and individual counseling. Identify What You Need From Your Partner And what your partner needs from you. If possible, try not to make cheating a moral issue, but one of needs being met in the relationship, Janet Zinn, atells Bustle. When lines get drawn about good and bad, nothing is learned. Though it can be difficult — or seemingly impossible — to discuss needs in such a painful time, it will help clarify how to move forward. When the cheating can be discussed in terms of how it hurts, why it may have happened, and what both partners need from each other, healing can take place, she says. Don't Make A Split-Second Decision Because you feel betrayed, your first impulse is usually anger, and wanting to leave — fight or flight, Tina B. Romance, psychotherapist and author oftells Bustle. But if you're in a relationship that you want to stay in, you might want to give yourself some time. Though you may ultimately decide to leave, it's best to make such a choice once you've had some time to find clarity. Though cheating is never the answer, if it happens, you can still move on from it. Often dissatisfaction grows from resentment, and the root causes can be fixed with the help of counseling, Tessina says. Though it is hard to see cheating as an opportunity, it can be just that — with a lot of work. Decide If It's Really A Deal-Breaker If cheating is a deal-breaker, you are likely to leave the relationship, tells Bustle. If you what to do after your spouse cheats live with a partner who cheated on you, it'll be hard to bounce back from this one, obvs. All the same, it's best to talk it out, at very least. You do want to talk about why they cheated, as cheating does not happen in a vacuum — it is usually a symbol of what is wrong with the relationship, Martinez says. If you both decide that you love each other and that this relationship is something worth saving, get to work. Get in therapy, and start repairing what brought you to this point. In other words, your relationship can be salvaged — if you want it to be. Decide If You Want To Save Your Relationship You need to ask yourself if this is a relationship worth saving, or whether the cheating is symptomatic of another problem, Stefanie Safran, Chicago's Introductionista and founder oftells Bustle. If you decide that the relationship is something that has everything you want, and the cheating is something you can work through, enlist a professional. When you want to save this relationship, it's a good idea to get a professional therapist involved to get the relationship back on track — if it can be saved. From there, you what to do after your spouse cheats your partner have a better chance at getting back on track. Infidelity is one area that needs a third party to help you both navigate the rocky waters of emotional upheaval, clinical hypnotherapist, author and educator Rachel Astarte, who offers transformational coaching for individuals and couples attells Bustle. Of course, some people may consider cheating a deal-breaker. My suggestion is to make that condition very clear as early in the relationship as possible. That being said, cheating can be a weird and very backwards blessing in disguise. A trained couples therapist … will best be able to assist you in healing, regardless of which choice you make. Even if you break up, get therapy either individually or as a team; it's a great way to create a respectful departure that leaves you both with as few psychological scars as possible. I believe Gwyneth Paltrow calls that conscious uncoupling. If cheating is a nonnegotiable for you, then get out immediately, Kali Rogers tells Bustle. Deal-breakers can include cheating, and if you can't live with a cheater, you can't live with a cheater. Non-negotiables do not require explanations, excuses, or any other justification. They violated your boundary and the relationship must end, she says. If cheating is not a non-negotiable, be honest with yourself about if you can trust this person again, Rogers says. What to do after your spouse cheats the fact that your relationship will never be the same, and if both parties are open to it, you two will build a new relationship together. All you need to know is that it won't happen again and they'll work toward the relationship. If both of those conditions are in place and you want to stay together, namaste. Begin the healing, Shlomo Slatkin, who founded the with his wife, Rivka, tells Bustle. The healing will start once the affair is stopped. It may sound obvious, but be sure that your partner has fully ended things with the other person before you begin to try to move on. Once the affair is over and the bleeding is stanched, you can begin to move on, if you so desire. And then you can start talking to each other. After the affair is stopped and that exit is sealed, you both need to talk about what happened, he says. Look At It Like Something You Have To Figure Out Together If you decide that you do want to try to repair things, then you need to approach the conversation as 'What did we do wrong. It's not your fault, but the cheating is something you will have to look at together if you're going to get anywhere. You need to be willing to accept your part in the problem and commit to helping to fix it. From there, real growth can happen. Take A Deep Breath And Talk It Out In order to make this decision, it is important to take a deep breath and then discuss your options with a trusted family member or friend, Carver says. Though it may be tempting to talk it out with your partner, it's best to go to a friend or family member first. Reacting emotionally and choosing a final decision when you are emotionally devastated is not always the best option, she says. When you can calm yourself and make a list of the whys and the why-nots of staying, you will be able to empower yourself to make the best decision for you. Don't let your partner get in the way of this process. Your spouse or partner may ramp up the begging and promising, but you need to tune that out while you figure out what it is you want, not what they want, she says. They already chose what they wanted. So now you get into the driver's seat to choose where you want to go, how you want to heal, and if this spouse or partner will be with you for that ride to healing and rebuilding. Don't rush it — figure out what you need slowly.

Please note: anytime gender differences between men and women are discussed, these are generalizations. Reaching out to a best friend is the most helpful thing you can do first. If you start throwing dishes or speaking obscenities, your out-of-control behavior will only alleviate your spouse's guilt. Go on a romantic trip with your spouse. Don't try to get through coping with unfaithfulness alone. Accept the fact that your relationship will never be the same, and if both parties are open to it, you two will build a new relationship together. When you discover the infidelity you will experience many different emotions. Your partner will need to learn he or she has reason to trust you.